by Big Frank
How do you qualify to be considered a redneck? That's easy. All my friends here in North Carolina are rednecks, so I am an expert at answering this question.
Cue my Jeff Foxworthy Southern accent.
If you think its time to take a shower when you need a haircut...or the first of every other month.
When you need help moving and you put the wheels back on the house...then ask to borrow my hitch.
When you have to paint the letters "cow" on your livestock so that your friend won't shoot them, thinking its a deer...or his next date.
When you have bullet holes in the roof of your fifty-ton, gas guzzlin', pickup truck where your loaded shotguns ride shotgun.
When you marry your first cousin and the ceremony is held at the local Piggly-Wiggly supermarket parking lot and everyone is wearing cowboys boots and hats...except the Preacher. He is wearing sandals.
When you entertain yourself by watching two monkeys (or your favorite animal) trying to screw a football (You won't see that on the FOX Network).
When you refer to your parents as Ma and Pa.
When you feel very attracted to sheep...or your favorite animal.
When you send your wife out in her Sunday finest: Daisy Dukes, Halter Top (no bra of course) and cowboy boots to buy your favorite meal of pickled pigs feet, grits, and a side of collard. Don't forget your favorite drink of moonshine, fresh from your illegal still. Damn, thats the good life!
When you name your children Bobby-Joe, Billy-Joe, Nancy-Sue, or refer to them as Booger...Big and Little.
When you hang your dirty clothes out on a tree because it is going to rain.
When you collect soda and beer cans, not for money, but to build a privacy fence.
If you put mag wheels on your pig cooker...OK, not a bad idea.
If your wife's maiden name is the same as yours.
If you favorite movie is "Convoy" because you want to be called "Rubber Duck" on your CB Radio.
If you have a tractor that you painted over the "John" and put the letters "YES"...Just to make her feel important that you spent her halter top money on a new John Deere.
Now the big question is if there are Afro-American rednecks...wait, for it. The answer is YES!
My friend George (Buckwheat)Jones is a black redneck and very proud of it. But he has trouble with square dancing...No rhythm Stereotypes be damned. His favorite singer is Willie Nelson. Why, you ask? Because they both like that Iranian tobacco. I mean ALOT!
Lenny,"The Weasel" is a redneck, but because he's so short they just call him "Littleneck".
Tommy Two Toes (and a Nub) is one as well. Why else would you cut the grass in sandals? Kids always turn off the lawnmower before you get off. Someone should have told TTT.
Rodney (Hot Rod) is a Jewish redneck. He works for a furniture store in town and he chews the tabacky (don't correct me, that's how he says it) and when he spits, he somehow finds his pants and shoes. I think he needs to attend a spitting class. I am sure they have it at the local middle school.
My son, Steve, is trying to become a redneck. But he doesn't own cowboy boots or a hat yet. He doesn't really care for country music. Doesn't square dance due to wrestling injuries (and a lack of rhythm . And he refuses to wear Daisy Dukes, although he claims to have the legs for it! (Damn Yankees).
Now, I know why I think I'm so smart. It is because all of my friends are morons...I mean rednecks.
Its OOTP baseball time again...Did I mention that my computer refers to me as God? OK, "a OOTP God", but its still a God. Zeus, move over.